| Socks for all! |
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i can't decide if this is just PMS or if i'm depressed. i didn't get a hula hoop for christmas, so hopefully i'll get one for my birthday day-after-tomorrow. because, i mean, fuck. it was the only thing i really really wanted this year. i want to hula dance. i want to feel sexy again. what the fuck is wrong with me? my dad's rocking out to some surf music downstairs, which makes me happy. |
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yay.
The jams: lazy eye- silversun pickups |
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i am worried about having yet another ridiculously boring birthday because no one cares to make plans so soon after christmas. i am worried about where i am going to live and with whom i am going to live after my lease is up.
being in charlotte always makes me feel awfully lonely and unwanted because no one ever asks to hang out when i'm here, and i don't want to be a total narcissist but it always happens like this. it's not so bad on the weekends because i hang out with my sibilings but the 5 days between them makes me feel pretty worthless.
my dad was really shocked at dinner tonight when i explained that i don't want to spend new years' eve with him, my mom, and my grandma. my grandmother isn't going to be here for christmas this year because she's taking care of my alcoholic aunt who might try to kill herself if she's left alone for christmas, but won't stay sober for 2 days so that she can have christmas with everyone at my house. i just don't even know how to feel about my aunt's problems anymore. it kind of helps me understand why i'm so greedy. she's such a genius woman, i wish she could sober up.
my new years' resolution is to have a good attitude and not make excuses anymore. i want to be a better person. The jams: city of new orleans- arlo guthrie |
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I have many fears.
I'm not talking about heights or spiders, but real honest FEARS. I'm deathly afraid that I'll go throughout life without a mate. That no one will be able to stand me for that long and love me like i'll love them. I'm afraid that all my curb cutting and silver-tonguing is going to add up to me getting to a position i'm wholey unprepared and underqualified for.
I'm also afraid of getting fat. I know a lot of people would scoff or even get mad at me for the notion because of my current stature, but i've been noticing for 2 weeks now i've got a bit of a stomach. I've been blowing it off and not thinking about it until tonight when i stepped on the scale. I was 150 all throughout high school. When I got to college, I only bumped up to 155 and SOMETIMES hit 160 but stayed toned. I saw 171 in the scale tonight. It horrified me. I've been lean and fit and have been able to see my abs since high school and for the past two weeks i've been lazing around, eating fast food, doing nothing. Even today I didn't get off of the couch until 2:30 and that was so i could get a bowl of crunch berries and a side of chef boyardee and i sat on the couch watching Speed until Jeopardy and Wheel.
I imediately changed into work out clothes, stretched, and ran about 1.5 miles. It wasn't all out (I know I can do faster), but it was more than a jog. I started getting a cramp at about .4 miles in and I started to cry. On the last stretch of road, my entire mid section was hurting. Just a small run from the stop sign to my drive way (about .1 miles), and I had to give it everything I had just to not stop and walk/fall over. I got inside and took a shower and it hurt to stand for the whole thing but I did.
I've vowed to run the same stretch of road once a day until its easier. I'll do sit ups and jumping jacks if I have to but this is who I am. Roni tells me all the time that a lot of people tell her how lucky she is to have a bf with "such a good body". If thats what I'm known for, I can't let it go. Plenty of people hate me because of my personality so I should have SOMETHING people like about me.
I hate realizing how vain I am and not being able to do anything about it... |
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I've just done a 1.6.0 release of radeontool from my personal repo, it contains both
radeontool and avivotool, and is probably full of ugly but whats in distros now is older
and worse.
radeontool (and avivotool) are lowlevel tools to tweak register and dump state on radeon
GPUs, they also can parse parts of the BIOS data tables.
Tarballs are at
http://people.freedesktop.org/~airlied/radeontool/
git://people.freedesktop.org/~airlied/radeontool.git |
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